Being There
Being There
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by Laura Simeon
"The idea that all a parent need do is spend 'quality' time with a child has been disproved in recent childhood and family studies that I have seen. That is not surprising. …To a parent, quality time in the midst of a busy schedule may mean intense and focused time, like a laser burst of attentiveness. But living things do not grow well under lasers. They require a more relaxed time for the complex bondings to take place. Think of sunlight that is always present. ... If I make time my enemy, then I am always fighting it. Even when I have time with my kids, I may be thinking of it in a context of the time I don't have. I may even be regretting the time I don't have for something else. ... If I don't think about the time but instead think about being available, about extending my presence, about just being together and being sunlight, it takes some of the pressure off. ... So it may well be that a family sometimes needs to reexamine its priorities, its criteria for success, and its needs and desires, and prioritize in ways that will make availability possible. ... Availability is a state of mind apart from time, a willingness to be open and to be present, without expectation, without condition, without qualification, solely because you love."
When I first read this passage, it resonated for me on many levels. What does it mean to be there for your child? It is what every responsible parent aspires to, but there are as many different ways of putting it into practice as there are families. One common criticism of attachment parenting philosophy is "Well, it sounds nice in theory, but come on, this is the modern world! It's not realistic to expect parents to meet their children's needs so completely. It just sets us up to feel even more guilty about impossible standards we cannot attain." Some even argue that letting a child cry itself to sleep meets the child's need for a well-rested mother! While there are many of us out here in the real world putting attachment theory into practice in our lives, there is no denying that it frequently requires a conscious effort and level of perseverance that mainstream parents do not have to struggle with, since they have society's approval for their choices. Adding to the complexity is the fact that the attachment parenting "movement" is quite diverse in and of itself, so a working solution for one family may seem quite undesirable or even impossible to another. One generally pictures the typical attachment parenting family as a nuclear family in which the father is employed outside the home and the mother cares for the children full-time. This is the life I was living until last summer, when quite unexpectedly my marriage fell apart and I found myself facing a new set of challenges: those of the single mother. This past year has been a time of loss, bereavement and tremendous change. It has not, however, been entirely negative, and I feel more strongly than ever that it is important to live life in wholes, not to separate or compartmentalize oneself as mother, sister, daughter, wife, ex-wife, student, employee. E.M. Forster said "Only connect…" and if we apply this to our lives, we will find that growth in one area inevitably leads to growth in another. How does this apply to being there for one's child? Well, I firmly believe that attachment parenting is what saved our family. Yes, our marriage may have ended, but our child's family still thrives. This is an important distinction to me, but more importantly to our daughter. I am fully aware that many people would say that we are no longer a family at all. However, my experiences and observations have shown me that cohabiting under the same roof does not automatically bring to the inhabitants all the benefits of a healthy family life, just as parents living separately does not mean that children are instantly deprived of these same benefits. By the same token, attaining the status of parent does not in itself mean one instantly reaps all the insights and pleasures that can accompany this role. Gaining (and giving) all one can from the parenting experience requires a clear sense of intent, openness and flexibility, and receptivity towards one's child as an individual. Basic attachment parenting practices (co-sleeping, breastfeeding on cue, baby-wearing) are valuable not because doing them makes one a "good parent," but because they work in harmony with the human infant's biological design to enhance the bond between parent and child, making a sensitive connection more likely to form. Attachment parenting is a way of being, not a list of rules to follow (though having concrete suggestions can be very helpful for nervous new parents whose natural intuition has been undermined by their own unattached childhoods). The older a child grows, the more true it is that you must seek your own path in cooperation with your child. So what magic has responsive parenting worked in my family? Most importantly it has fostered a deep and unshakeable bond between our daughter and each of us, one which eclipses any marital difficulties that have arisen. Although the current divorce laws would have forced me to enter the workforce at once, my ex-husband has through his fathering experiences developed a genuine respect for the importance of the work I do in the home and for the significance of attachment. We have been able to negotiate together in a spirit of goodwill, agreeing to a plan which will enable me to remain at home full-time until our daughter is ready for first grade. He has also arranged his work schedule so that he will care for our child while I complete another graduate degree on a part-time basis. I admire him all the more for these choices because he had a classic unattached upbringing, no less horrific for being so common. How fortunate my daughter is to have such a father in her life, and how fortunate I am to have such a father for my daughter. Together we are modeling a relationship of mutual respect, cooperation and tolerance which is lacking in many intact nuclear families. Would we have been able to do this if we had chosen another parenting style? Possibly, but I am doubtful. My experiences this past year are to me the ultimate proof that, as Dr. William Sears says, "healthy attachment parenting involves mutual giving. Parents give to the baby and the baby gives back to them." [From the Introduction to Katie Granju's Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child] Reflecting back on the many hours we spent holding, rocking, singing, breastfeeding, cuddling, playing, reading and talking, I can't deny that we were sometimes exhausted. But something very powerful was building and growing during those sometimes magical – but sometimes mundane and grueling – moments of daily life with a very small child. My ex-husband has been handed the chance to give his precious daughter the birthright which he was so cruelly denied. There is immense healing power in this simple act, the act of saying "The suffering will stop with this generation. It will go no further." As for me, I was lucky enough to have been raised in an attachment parenting style, and through my daughter I have been able to affirm and pass on the gifts I received from my own parents. A particular gift I received from attachment parenting was the strength that comes when we no longer fear. I believe that it is most often fear that holds us back from listening to our hearts. We flee from fear into blame and anger. We blame others for having what we desire, or we blame society for what we feel is unjust and unfair in our lives. As long as we direct our energies outwards and crowd our heads with resentful thoughts, we don't need to listen to the little voice inside, whispering that maybe there is something we can do differently or better. For example, it is easier to blame "breastfeeding fanatics" for "making us feel guilty" than it is to confront the pain of knowing we did something that was less than optimal for our child. Nevertheless, it is undeniably frightening to choose a parenting style that is ridiculed, criticized and even warned against in mainstream culture. If you do what everyone else does, you are exempt from blame. And how easy it is to repeat the past and say "I turned out all right. It was good enough for me." Real courage and commitment come from daring to do more, in choosing not to settle for "all right." We make our children suffer for what we call love or tradition or conformity, when really it is simple fear. Choosing to throw away the rule books, give up the desire to control, and chart your own path can be quite frightening. But if you face up to and work through this fear you will cultivate in yourself inner reserves of strength beyond belief. Trust in your child and she will show you the way. Originally published in Northwest Attachment Parenting Laura Simeon lives with her 2.5 year old daughter in the Seattle, Washington area. She is an avid knitter and reader of mystery novels, and has a Master's degree in Early Modern European history. You may view her homepage at: http://www.kjsl.com/~thisbe/ |
