A: It is perfectly reasonable that you have some concerns regarding your ability to safely co-sleep with a newborn infant, who may seem both tiny and vulnerable. Rest assured, however, that with proper planning and precautions, co-sleeping in your bed is in fact the safest place that your child could be. While co-sleeping has been an off-and-on controversy among children's health experts for the last several years, this has led to more research affirming its safe practicability and asserting the numerous benefits to child and parents.

There are several good resources on the details of what makes for a safe co-sleeping arrangement (referenced below), but in essence they are common sensical. You want to have the baby's immediate bedding such that it presents no risk of entrapment, suffocation, or falling from the bed. You are going to want to be certain that you have taken every reasonable precaution before your child joins you in bed. All right you say, I can see that, but what about my primary concern that I present a danger to my child?

A careful review of the published data on infant injury while in the family bed shows that in nearly all cases where a parent has injured a child by rolling onto them the parent's sensibilities were effected by either medication or intoxication. Under any "normal" circumstance you simply will not sleep through rolling over onto your child. Though it is true that most of the "in lab" observation of co-sleeping that has been done has focused on the very sensitive and aware relationship that forms between the mother and most particularly a breastfeeding infant, the father often comes into "synch" with their sleep patterns as well. You will almost certainly gain a nearly uncanny awareness of your child's position and movements as you continue to share your bed with her, and this will solidify your assurance over time. It is exactly this kind of closeness and sensitivity that has enabled many co-sleeping parents to be instantly aware of distress or breathing problems that their child experiences and to intervene quickly and effectively in a fashion that would not be possible if the child was in a crib in a room down the hall.

If, however, this does not allay your fears, there are a number of innovative items that may enhance the safety of your child's place in the bed and offer you some greater comfort with it. There are several styles of "co-sleepers" which attach directly to the side of the bedframe and securely provide a "side car" space for your child to sleep in. These would most likely adjoin a nursing mom's side of the bed, though this doesn't excuse Dad from nighttime feedings or diaper changings- you just have to trot around. All of these are equipped with side rails that make it impossible for an adult to roll into them. Alternatively, there are a couple of different "bed within a bed" products that provide a soft surfaced, but stiff sided little space for your baby to sleep within arm's reach by out of harm's way. The size of your bed may be a factor in determining which options might work best for you. If you fully explore the options that are out there, you will find something that meets your space and safety needs.

Also remember that your child is only going to get bigger, and that you will have to regularly re-assess what accommodation needs to be made to keep everybody safe and happy in the family bed. One day all too soon, though, you'll be more concerned about your toddler rolling all over you!

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/family_bed.html

http://www.wearsthebaby.com/cosleepingrelease.html

Evan's Answer

A: No, I can’t! Okay, just kidding. Yes, I can – stop being terrified – even if rolling onto your baby were a common thing, being terrified will not help! Here’s my standard qualifier – I’m no doctor or healthcare professional but…

People all over the world have “family beds” and sleep with their babies and children. I recommend learning more about it – from books and resources on the Wears The Baby site as well as elsewhere.

Some quick tips that I’ve heard include common sense things such as don’t go to bed drunk or wasted on drugs (illegal or prescribed) – that way you’ll actually hear the baby stir or wake up and be responsive to him.

Some not so common sense things I’ve heard – and what we do – include sometimes moving the baby to a seat just next to the bed (especially if the bed is low to the ground for easy access to the baby when he needs to nurse, etc.) and making sure the bed and covers aren’t overly “floofy” which could bunch up and cause problems.

Finally, assuming you’re the father and the mother nurses on demand through the night, the baby and mother will establish a working rhythm that will prevent those kind of problems. Don’t ask me how they do that – they just do. Natural rhythms, intuitive parenting and stuff like that are not comforting facts of life for analytical types – if you’re one of those kind of people. I am lucky in that I am not one of those analytical types. I tend to trust stuff I don’t understand so long as it “feels” right.

The fact that you described yourself as terrified would suggest that you’re 1) a first time father and 2) an analytical type who may be trying to figure out all of the “right” things to do ahead of time. If I’m wrong, sorry. If I’m right, congratulations! Welcome to the world of parenting where you get to challenge all of the neuroses you’ve grown accustomed to and are introduced to a whole new set of neuroses you didn’t know you had until now.

There are great books and other resources on family beds/co-sleeping that I encourage you to read. Other than that, you should know that we are built to love and protect our babies – nature is working against you with respect to harming them in some way.

resources:
http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/family_bed.html