If you thought answering would be easier if you had some details, I can give particulars:

One 5 yo boy, challenging behavior now (and for the last few years) but easy pregnancy and birth. One almost 2 yo girl, quite cheerful and easy now, but quite challenging birth and first year (was born 3 months premature and that required extremely long hospital stay and very hard/worrisome first six months at home).

I have to admit, the fears of another premature birth are part of the dad's reluctance -- he doesn't want to experience that whole trauma all over again. Doctor think my risks of another premature baby are no greater than any other woman's, however.

I also admit that the unsatisfying early end to the pregnancy (no more baby kicking!) and terrifying birth are part of what drives the mom in desiring a more fulfilling pregancy and birth experience. There are no guarantees, however, I know.

Waiting to hear from you!

RESPONSE FROM EVAN:

I gather from your description of the situation that the two of you have some understanding of why you do or don't want another child. It also sounds like there could be more communication to clarify each of your reasons, e.g., has your husband shared his fear of the trauma with you fully, have you shared reasons for wanting another child fully, etc.

Also, it may help to talk about life after each decision. If we don't have another child, here's what I see in the future. If we do have another child, here's what I see in the future.

Finally, you can address each other's concerns: "If we agree to have another baby and it IS premature or we DO have a difficult time in the beginning, here are things we can do differently to make it easier on the baby and us. If we don't have another baby, here are some things we can do to fill that space/need." Interestingly enough, my wife and I are having preliminary discussions about our next try. We have two boys, 5 and 2, and I definitely want another baby. She is not as sure anymore as she is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel – the light being more freedom to pursue her other interests. She's not against it but we may need to have some of these same discussions in the coming months.

Thanks for the question! Hope this helps.

RESPONSE FROM GREG:

Thanks for writing (I was tired of seeing that sex question on the web).

Yours is an incredibly complex problem…especially considering the number of people involved (you, your husband, your two kids, and the potential baby) and the fact that your decision affects the rest of all of your lives.

The first step I would take towards "figuring this out," would be to analyze all of the reasons why you really, really want another child and he really, really doesn't. I assume these reasons are numerous, but I can't help noticing that the reasons you cited in the letter have to do predominantly with the pregnancy and birth experience: he's afraid of another scary one, and you desire a satisfying one.

I don't mean to belittle these reasons, as I am sure they are sincere. My sister had a pretty scary first birth, and the horror in my brother-in-law's eyes was genuine. I could certainly see being shell-shocked by such an experience. On the other had, my son isn't even two yet, and I already have baby cravings when I hold a newborn.

However, as you well know, the pregnancy and childbirth portion are but a small bite of the whole enchilada of parenthood (forgive the ridiculous metaphor). I would hope that your reasons go beyond the first nine months.

I would be interested in hearing the other reasons each of you have. If he loves being a dad but just wants to avoid the horrible experience he had with your premature daughter, I think it could be addressed. Perhaps your doctor could discuss the risk factors with him or you could dig up some research that would ease his fears.

But if he really isn't interested in being a dad again because it is such exhausting and difficult work (rewarding…but exhausting), and he feels a third child would be more than he cares to handle, then the debate gets more complex. This is where your reasons come in.

Being a parent is the greatest thing in the world when it is what you want to be, but I couldn't imagine how horrible it would be to be a parent if I genuinely didn't want to be one. Your reasons would need to be quite serious to ask him to make this sacrifice. I could imagine such reasons existing, but I think you would need to explain them in such a way that he understands their importance.

In order to come up with a convincing argument, you may want to consider what you would do if the situation was reversed. If you genuinely didn't want to have another baby, is there anything your husband could say to you that would change your mind?

Good luck.