A: From Greg 
Whew.  Where to start?... 

Well, first off, I'm not sure that the maturity or lack thereof of my parenting skills has much to do with my opinion on this issue.  Though your reduced sex drive is likely due in part to the fact that you are a busy, nursing mom, I see this primarily as a communication problem between husband a wife...and an important one at that.  In most cases, sex is part of a healthy marriage, so it's not like your husband is making a ridiculous request. 

Second, let me say that I sympathize with the two of you.  I know first-hand 
how this sort of thing can happen after having a baby AND how it can snowball into an unpleasant situation if not caught early enough. 

Though I don't know enough about you or your husband to know whether any of this will prove helpful or not, I do have a bit of advice for each of you. 

For him:  Though I sincerely sympathize with your situation, I would also suggest that forcing the issue is only going to make matters worse.  The more unpleasant sexual encounters you have with your wife now (I am assuming she's not enjoying things much) the less she's going to want to have sex in the future. 

For now you need to shift your thinking from quantity to quality.  Don't press things when she is decidedly not in the mood, and be really...really attentive, thoughtful, and romantic when she is. 

I would also suggest that you give her some back-rubs, foot rubs, or whatever that do NOT result in sex.  Otherwise she may get to the point where she feels that every time you touch her you have an ulterior motive. 

For her:  First off, remember that, all things considered, the fact that your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you is a good thing.  Also remember that at some point in the future your hormones may shift and you may find your roles reversed (hey...crazier things have happened).  Remember to make an effort to be in the mood every once in a while. 

Also, you may want to consider changing birth control devices.  If you are 
using a barrier method right now (condoms or diaphragm) these may be rubbing you the wrong way (so to speak).  This was definitely the case with my wife after both kids.  I assume you are avoiding the pill because you are nursing, so you may want to think about using an IUD.  I know IUD's have a  bad reputation, but the newer ones are supposed to be quite safe and very effective...and you don't have latex rubbing against you. 

Obviously, you both need to communicate about this and find some happy middle ground you can both live with, which might involve some temporarily hurt feelings.  I would suggest having the conversation soon and not when he is in the middle of crawling all over you. 

Good luck. 
 

A: From Evan 

To The Husband 
Advice on how to begin to understand why your wife is not as interested in sex as she was before children: Understanding why won’t help you.. Not a bit. This is not an issue about understanding – it’s an issue about acceptance and choices and growing up. 

First, let me empathize with you and say that I experienced this change in my marriage. And I wasn’t the stalwart, mature husband about it, either. It took some real growing up for me and I didn’t like it. The essential issue with me was: Why does she get to determine what kind of sex life I have? 
 
In my case, there were a few things going on that may offer you some hope or some sense of direction. I say that because, at least with me, the tendency was to project this thing out to old age and begin to panic that I would wake up one day at 65 or 70 years old having not had sex since my kids were born – “Holy Cow! It’s been 40 years! What happened!” I would shout as I walk, with cane in hand, to the medicine cabinet for my Doan’s Back Pain pills. 
 
Let me just say, so long as you have a whole marriage, that won’t happen. Lucky for me, I married my wife (and she, me) because we are great friends and have some real connections that go beyond even what I know about. Thank goodness we have all of that – really. 
 
So here’s the scoop – I didn’t realize how much I relied on sex itself for my intimacy needs. I didn’t realize how important it was for me to have my wife to myself and NOT share her with some punk kid. I didn’t realize how angry I was when my fantasy about fathering all the world’s children came to a screeching halt. I didn’t realize how stunned I would be to have my life changed beyond my expectations when my son (and subsequent second son) was born. I think, at some level, I felt tricked or taken advantage of or something. But, I wasn’t tricked. No one snowed me over. It’s life, and my wife and I made a choice to have kids. 
 
So, advice? Nah. I don’t have advice. After I struggled and struggled for about three or four years with this stuff, I finally and begrudgingly faced myself. The problem was not her. It was me. GROW UP! is what my voice was saying to me. It’s a stage or a phase, if you will. The two of you will make it through the infant/baby/young child stage and reconnect on the other side. Parenting requires a whole commitment from me. If one aspect of that commitment means I have to change my sex habits and my view about sex – about what it means to me and what I get from it – then I guess I have to do that work to accept it. 
 
You know, it took me more than three years to believe my wife when she would tell me she wished it were different. I’m embarrassed, no, ashamed, to admit that. 
 
Our younger boy will be two this month and my wife and I are doing better than we ever have. Because we’re having sex all the time? No. Because we’re more married than we’ve ever been and we do a better job of looking at our whole relationship than we did before. 

To The Wife 
For reasons that I don’t fully understand, and I don’t what part is learned and what part is built-in, sex is really, really, really important to a lot of us men. So, I’m glad you’re thinking about this issue enough to write in and request feedback. Having one’s wife be proactive in getting through it can be very helpful. I assume you are doing your best to either cope with your reduced drive or work on rekindling it. 
 

More Q&A from past Ask The Dads columns