Ask The Dads! - Evan's Answers
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A: The first thing that occurs to me is this: 3 year olds are not independent thinkers. They are expert mimics. They do what you do – from behavior to language and even to subtle things like tone of voice. So, for instance, if you whine at your kid about how slow they are to get out the door, he’ll learn quickly that getting what you want includes that tone. I know I’ve caught my wife and I whining about our kids whining – “Quit whining! Whah!” Along this line, I remember a story from another Dad who used to get his 6 year old son in trouble for snatching toys away from his 3 year old sister. This went on for some time until the father realized that he snatched stuff away from his son all the time. He snatched the toy from his son that his son had just snatched from his little sister! So, he made a commitment to stop snatching things away from his son and, within a couple of weeks, the problem dissolved. 3 (and 6) year olds do as you do.

Also, let’s be clear – using insulting, humiliating words has nothing to do with our children and everything to do with us letting down our guard. We all experience impatience, frustration, and anger toward our children at one time or another…or ten others. We shouldn’t concern ourselves with the feelings that come up in our relationships – not just with our kids but with anyone. What we can concern ourselves with how we respond to our feelings.

Now, for the record, I realize that everyone is different and some people are better at filtering their feelings than others. Some people suck at it and some are pretty good. In most cases, even if we foul up and yell or insult – or do whatever we do that is less than our best – we can still correct ourselves. When I foul up, I apologize – with my kids just like I do with everyone else.

So, really, what I’m saying is parenting our kids means, first and foremost, parenting ourselves. WE have to demonstrate – rather than tell – what we want from our children. There’s just no other way to do it – unless we want to keep the game going of “do as I say, not as I do.” But that game doesn’t feel good to anyone and, frankly, teaches your child that you are a phony.

Of course, dear reader, it’s important that you not try to parent your husband, either. That’s my official disclaimer. Each of us needs to parent ourselves.

Evan