Ask The Dads! - Rob's Answers
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A: One of the most difficult areas of interaction in any human relationship is communication. We take for granted that if we come from a common cultural background, and speak the same language, that we can "talk to" anyone. But as we have all experienced repeatedly in our own lives, communication is often much more complicated than that, and includes many factors. There's what we say, how we say it, when we say it, why we say it, our underlying emotional state and attitudes toward who we are addressing, and our often unconscious perceptions of how we want to be heard, understood, validated, or "obeyed". And beyond these are all of the non-verbal portions of communication, our faces, postures, movement and gestures, that can agree or contrast with our words.

Most of us never look very deeply at any of this; we act and react in the moment from whatever emotions and thoughts we are experiencing right then. Due to this, most of the time we "feel" very justified in behaving exactly as we are, because we are caught up in these feelings and thoughts, and our own ideas of the role we are playing in the interaction. Once we are caught up this way, it is very difficult for us to step back from it and look at our actions from a different perspective than our own, and we will often reject suggestions that we do so, becoming defensive over being questioned. This often leads to chains of negative interactions, disagreements/arguments over what was said, how it was said, why it was said, etc. These chains of fighting can last for minutes, or hours, or days, until someone steps back, cools off, and reassesses the purpose of the communication in the relationship.

Now in your situation, your husband does not share the same attitudes as you over "positive" discipline. So his reactions to any perceived "negative" behaviour on the part of your child are also "negative", and this is how he communicates his reactions to your child. This for you is a big "negative" because it undermines the approach that you are taking, reinforcing patterns of behaviour and communication that are dysfunctional. And, it seems impossible to get your husband to see and understand this. Clearly, there is a disconnect and a knowledge gap here that is not going to be easy to bridge, as I'm sure you're all too aware.

First, I am going to assume that there is some level of clarity in the communication that you have with your husband, and that the two of you are able to have reasonable discussions about family and parenting issues. Second, I am going to point out that the best time to work on his attitudes is NOT when something like this is already going on, for the reasons that I've outlined above. So, you are going to have to find, or make, the opportunity to sit down with him when the two of you will be relatively uninterrupted and try to slowly and carefully lay out for him the problems with his "choice" in verbal styles. A tall order for parents of small children to find such a time, and for you to find an approach that opens his receptivity to listening to what you have to say.

Not knowing anything else about either of you, I cannot suggest many specifics in the way of "what" information is going to help him better understand the problems with his approach, but maybe I can suggest some general "hows" and "whys" that will help you develop your approach to him.

Clearly, IF you are getting angry or upset with him over his behaviour, then emotionally you are echoing the same feelings he is having in reaction to your child's behaviour. So, however justified or right you might feel, you are going to have to let go of it if you are going to show your husband a different choice in reactions.

You are going to have to gently love him into taking a more gentle and loving attitude. This is not going to happen overnight. Your husband has probably been raised with the rough and tumble, suck it up approach common to most males in this culture, been hardened (and hurt) by it, accepts it as how things are, sees nothing wrong with it, and is unconsciously or consciously making his parenting choices from this basis. It is not at all uncommon for men, in their roles as fathers or brothers or husbands or boyfriends, to justify their hurtful or disrespectful behaviour by pointing out that "life's tough", and that somehow then their roughness towards others is going to toughen them up and then they'll be better able to deal with "life". Many are so programmed by this attitude, that it is impossible to point out to them that it's exactly this widely held belief that makes so much of the world as tough as it is.

Appeal to his better nature- parents usually want a "better" or "nicer" life for their children and making the point that this is given in the very heart of the relationship itself, in every interaction with the child, may help. Regardless of your belief system, something like the golden rule applies in everything. If he wants love and respect and obedience from his family, then he has to give love and respect and obedience to his family. Name-calling, shouting, or threatening, even if it's "justified" by our response to someone else's behaviour only tears down love and respect and creates or reinforces a power inequity that leads to more disobedience. You are the model for your child's behaviour, and you are the "mature" one in any situation. In the world of a child, they don't know better until we show them better. You don't get "nice" kids by being mean to them. If you extend a gentle and caring approach unfailingly, then it is what you will get back eventually, depending on the amount of hurt and separation that love has to work its way through to come back to you. If you have already taken the short road of asserting authority and power and force, or the threat of force, as a quick fix to a problem, then you will have a much longer road back to respect and cooperation.

In short, you are going to have to extend your gentleness unfailingly into your relationship with your husband, as well as your child, and hope that he can learn to do the same. It's a very demanding responsibility. Having a better family life for ourselves is worth it though. Having a much better world for our children is worth it, too.