Wishing for a Girl?
Wishing for a Girl?
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Q:
As a feminist I am having a tough time with my recent admission that I would like to have a daughter. I mean we are supposed to be trying to get over this labeling people by gender and all that, so how come I still crave a daughter and should I feel bad about it? A:
I remember that when I was living in Portland, Oregon there was a very popular t-shirt that said, "Love See No Color." I was walking down the street with a friend (who happened to be "of color") one day when we spotted a street vendor with a cart full of these shirts and she said, "You know, what that shirt should say is 'Love See Every Color.'" Good point. And I think that particular point holds true for sex (and gender) as well. We feminists shouldn't be blind to sex, instead we should find ways for people to overcome the cultural expectations and limitations (gender) assigned to them on the basis of their sex. And explore ways to love and accept gender in all its facets and forms. So you see, while we do have to get over "labeling people by gender" we don't have to get over labeling people by sex because sex is a label. (By the way, there is the argument that people should be allowed to choose their own sexual label, just to complicate things further.) I know, I know, clear as mud. What I'm trying to say is I think that accepting the baby that is born to you regardless of his/her sex is compatible with also wanting to have the experience of raising a child of a particular sex. Some of us feminists want daughters because we want to right the wrongs we've experienced. We want to give them a head-start on wisdom by sharing our own. We want to raise future feminist leaders to share with the world. We want to rediscover the particularly feminine experience with our daughter. Some of us feminists want sons because we're afraid the wrongs we've experienced can't be made right. We're afraid that the wisdom we've gleaned came from events to painful to face again with our daughters. We want to raise pro-feminist men to share with the world. We want to understand the experience of being a boy in a culture of male-privilege that isn't any safer for men than it is for women. Is it ok to want these things? Of course. And, I think, perfectly natural. Wanting gives us a chance to explore our own hearts, to figure out what that want says about us. Personally, I dread having a daughter (although I have a secret yearning for one, too) because the idea of watching her struggle with adolescence makes my teeth hurt. My pregnant sister on the other hand wants a daughter so bad that she's practically wringing her hands over the prospect of this fetus not being one. And we're both feminists. Forgive yourself for wanting a daughter. It's really ok. And remember that even if you're never blessed with a little girl-child, there are plenty of girls and young women who could use a feminist fairy godmother and role model. |
