INTRODUCTION

What does it mean to wean a child?

Wean is a very old word meaning to accustom a child to a loss of her mother's milk. But today the word is usually used metaphorically; we wean ourselves from television, for instance, or from some other habit. The original meaning of the word is getting lost in an era when most babies, at too young an age to protest much, are simply given the bottle instead of the breast. Since this practice seems safe enough, and often easy, few of us understand weaning as the great and dangerous passage it is known to be in most of the world's societies. But when we ignore the dangers and difficulties of weaning, we risk our children's well-being, and sometimes our own.

Scientists have done little to enlighten us on the subject of weaning. Most are confused about how to define the term: Does weaning mean introducing foods other than breast milk into a child's diet, or does it mean stopping breastfeeding altogether? Some writers have assumed that the two events occur at once, although at no other time or place than in twentieth-century Western society has this been so. Other writers have assumed that women in traditional societies were weaning when they gave their babies small amounts of ritual or medicinal foods. Some researchers have written treatises on weaning that concern only giving up the bottle, and don't even mention the breast. Physicians and nutritionists have tried to generalize about all mothers and babies from studies of malnourished mothers and weanlings in countries suffering from Western colonization and industrialization. Psychologists and psychiatrists have insisted that weaning methods largely determine personality, and a few have actually compared adults who were weaned in the early months with those weaned later, finding the early weaners to be pessimistic, aloof, insecure, and unhelpful (Goldman 1948, Slome 1960). Generally, though, psychological and psychiatric writings on weaning are almost entirely speculative.

Anthropologists, including Margaret Mead, have probably helped the most in developing our understanding of weaning. They have found that women wean at the time and in the way that their cultures prescribe, and that peaceful, cooperative societies tend to have longer breastfeeding periods and gentler weaning methods. Anthropologists haven't demonstrated, however, a cause-and-effect relationship between the way a child is weaned and her later personality. Few scientists of any sort have examined how weaning affects children's minds, either immediately or in the long term. Nor have scientists considered how weaning affects mothers' minds--or their bodies, for that matter.

Weaning methods and ages vary greatly among traditional societies. In some, women don't initiate the close of breastfeeding at all, but let their children go on nursing as long as they like--for as long as fifteen years (Wickes 1953). In other societies, breastfeeding ends in the second year or even earlier, and children may be scolded, slapped, teased, and frightened into leaving their mothers' breasts alone. But both of these examples are extremes. In most societies, mothers don't even begin to work at weaning until the child is between two and three years old, and if weaning is abrupt it is also without cruelty (Whiting and Child 1953, 71). The median age of complete weaning worldwide has been variously estimated as between three and five years.

Western confusion about weaning stems partly from the fact that our heterogeneous society has no rules about when and how to wean. In the 1960s it seemed that weaning from the breast would soon no longer be an issue at all--bottle feeding from birth was apparently becoming universal in our society. Since the mid 1970s, however, a far greater proportion of mothers have breastfed, many for longer periods than their great-grandmothers did. Although many women today wean in the first few weeks after birth, often in preparation for a return to work, others nurse for two years, three years, four years, or longer. Preferences about breastfeeding and weaning vary by class, region, and family, but these variations aren't absolute; they are only statistical. Every woman must decide for herself what is best for her and her child.

Our heterogeneous society gives us a lot of freedom in when and how we wean, but also an inescapable responsibility to understand what we are doing and why. Yet advice on weaning is hard to come by, and often contradictory.

From the child's point of view, generally, the later the weaning the better. Babies weaned after about four months are much less susceptible to gastrointestinal illness from contaminated formula or feeding equipment. After eight to ten months, a baby can wean directly to a cup, avoiding the dangers of overdependence on a bottle (see "The Hazards of Formula Feeding" in Chapter 1). At the end of the first year a baby's immune system functions at 60 percent of adult capability, so the loss of her mother's antibodies isn't as dangerous as before. After eighteen months or so, a child is over the worst of separation anxiety; the loss of the breast is a much smaller threat to her security now. At about age three, a child leaves behind the aggressive independence of the toddler years, and will usually wean easily and amicably. And after age four or so, a child can take pride in making her own decision to give up nursing, and may talk about her nursing years with love and gratitude forever after.

From the mother's point of view, the benefits of late weaning aren't so clear. Whereas some mothers love the intimacy and relaxation of breastfeeding, others complain about being "tied down" or feeling "like a cow." For these women, being physically tied to a child through breastfeeding may accentuate the burdensome aspect of parenting, which in our society can be isolating and even impoverishing. Most women, actually, feel somewhat ambivalent about breastfeeding; at times nursing may seem a tender joy, at other times an annoyance. Breastfeeding women may naturally wonder if bottle feeding would make mothering easier. Even if a woman loves to nurse, sore nipples, criticism from family members, pregnancy, or some other problem may drive her to wean sooner than she would otherwise. Weaning may bring relief; however, most women who wean in the early months end up wishing they hadn't. In the following chapters we will tell you how to wean your baby at any age you prefer, and we will also tell you how to delay complete weaning if it isn't necessary. We will tell you how to avoid overusing or misusing bottles and formula, and how to avoid using these things at all. We will show you that, as long as you are nursing, you can take control of where, when, and how often you nurse. We will try to help you see weaning as both an event and a process--a process that begins with a baby's first taste of a food other than mother's milk, and continues for weeks, months, or years afterward. We will try to help you ensure that your baby develops well--physically, socially, and mentally--no matter how long nursing continues. Finally, we hope, we will offer you the ideas and encouragement you need to end nursing not only with minimal struggle and grief on either side, but also with happy memories of your nursing days and confidence in your child's future.

LIFE AFTER WEANING

After nursing ends, mothers and their children experience a mix of reactions, both physical and emotional. These reactions vary greatly in kind and intensity, depending on the age and temperament of the child, how fast weaning has occurred, and how the mother has felt about breastfeeding.

Very little research has been done on women's physical reactions to weaning. For now, we must base our summary mainly on the experiences of women we know. Unless your milk production has stopped before weaning is complete, you will probably experience some decrease in appetite when you stop breastfeeding. Some women report losing weight and feeling restless for a week or so after weaning. Others, perhaps because they eat according to habit rather than appetite, gain weight after weaning.

After any post-weaning engorgement and breast lumps dissipate, you will probably find that your breasts are smaller even than they were before pregnancy. The areola may look shriveled, from being stretched in the baby's mouth, particularly after several years of nursing. After six months or so, new fat stores may make your breasts fill out a little. Your breasts will probably continue to produce some fluid, if you try to express it, for months after complete weaning. Some women notice continued milk production for as long as two years after nursing ends. And, for months after the last nursing, some mothers occasionally notice the tingling sensation of milk letting down. One mother, whose breasts had never leaked while she was nursing, said milk dripped from them one night when she was very worried about her child's cough, three months after she had stopped nursing.

If your periods didn't resume before the last nursing, they probably will within a few weeks--and so, probably, will your fertility. If you began menstruating before weaning was complete, expect that your next period may be early and heavy. Heavy periods may continue for several months as your body adjusts to the hormonal changes of weaning. With the resumption of menstruation may come an increase in sex drive and vaginal lubrication (Bricklin 1987). If your periods started while you were still nursing, your sex drive may still increase at weaning, though this may be partly due to the decrease in tactile stimulation from your child. Some mothers find, however, that their breasts are less sensitive to erotic stimulation after weaning than before.

In a few women who have personal or familial histories of depression, rapid weaning in the first year may precipitate severe depression or even psychotic behavior. This may result from the hormonal changes at weaning, perhaps in combination with feelings of loss of the symbiotic mother-baby bond. Extreme anxiety, fears, frequent tearfulness, insomnia, and loss of appetite are signs that medical help is needed (Susman and Katz 1988). Normally, a mother's feelings after weaning can vary from grief to relief. Distress after weaning is more likely the earlier weaning occurs. Some mothers, who never planned to nurse for long or who were determined not to be "tied down" by a baby, have no regrets about early weaning. But one study found that 63 percent of women who weaned at two to three months wished they could have nursed longer, and 50 percent of those who weaned at four to nine months regretted weaning so soon (Rogers et al. 1987).

If you have weaned before you were really ready, you may feel angry--at yourself, for not being able to do what you feel should come naturally, and at other people, perhaps for encouraging you to breastfeed, for giving inconsistent advice or none at all, or for pressuring you to wean. You may feel rejected if your baby seems to prefer the bottle to your breasts or your mate's care to your own. You may feel anxious about the baby, who is no longer getting "the best," or about your own mothering abilities. You may feel guilty about your failure to live up to your own expectations. Such feelings will be exacerbated if you had romantic visions of nursing, if you nursed an older child successfully and so feel acutely what the younger one is lacking, if you just like to do things the natural way, or if you suffered through engorgement after believing you had too little milk. If you've learned, perhaps from reading this book, that weaning wasn't necessarily the best way to solve your problems, you may feel like a fool.

If you have such feelings, be assured your sadness will diminish in time. Appreciate your own courage and determination in persisting as long as you did with breastfeeding problems. Remember that any amount of breastfeeding benefits a baby, even if it's just one feeding of colostrum. Your baby will love being fed no matter what you feed her. And it is possible to minimize health risks and establish a strong mother-baby relationship when you must bottle-feed.

Even mothers who breastfeed for close to a year or more sometimes feel sad when nursing ends. Many women speak nostalgically of the "warmth," "closeness," and "cuddling" of their nursing years. A woman may miss nursing even if she initiated weaning and has no regrets about having done so. But she is most likely to feel sad about ending nursing if her child initiated weaning. Even if the mother had planned to wean soon, she may feel surprised and a little discouraged when her child rejects her in favor of a cup or bottle.

A mother may feel guilty, too, if a child develops health problems soon after weaning. Whether or not the antibodies in her milk could have prevented the child's illness, she may regret that she can't nurse the child through the sickness. If your child gets sick soon after weaning, you might offer your breast whether or not you have any milk. Even a few weak sucks on a dry breast will probably give some solace. Your child may take comfort, too, from resting his head or hand on your breast.

Guilt feelings may also arise when a mother has weaned for what she sees as selfish reasons--to take a vacation without the kids, for instance. If the child adjusts quickly, seems happy, and is making developmental strides, guilt feelings quickly recede. But if a child regresses--to wearing diapers, for instance--or expresses unfulfilled needs in ways like thumb-sucking or carrying around a bottle, a mother may know her decision to wean was not in her child's best interests. If you find yourself in this situation, and if you can't or don't wish to start nursing again, it's probably best to allow relatively harmless self-soothing measures like thumbsucking, but to also strive to give your child a lot of love and attention in ways such as cuddling and playing together.

Perhaps most mothers have mixed feelings about weaning when they plan to have no more children. In this case the last nursing marks the end of a woman's reproductive years. The last nursing is, like the first menstruation, a momentous life event for which our culture provides no rite of passage. Other people, even a woman's own family members, may be blind to her feelings, which she may lack words to express anyway. Perhaps this is a time to make "a great feast," as Abraham reputedly did on the day that Isaac was weaned. Both mother and child should be honored, since they have each completed a major passage from one stage of life to another.

And how do children feel after weaning? In one survey of U.S. mothers, most said their children's responses to weaning were "OK" or "happy" regardless of the children's ages (Avery 1977). Mothers elsewhere in the world have similar reports. Malian women told a researcher that their children, when suddenly weaned, weren't upset and did not cry, or cried only during the nights for a few days, and quickly forgot about nursing (Dettwyler 1987). Zulu mothers made similar assertions, although their careful preparations for weaning--planning the date months ahead, tying charms around the children's necks, spending the day at home, and in some cases even calling in a "weaning specialist," belied their apparent claim (Albino and Thompson 1956).

The Zulu women had good reason to fear, researchers found: All their children showed disturbed social behavior after weaning (as described in Chapter 4). As far as we can determine, no similar studies have been made of weanlings in the United States or elsewhere. Western children might not react to weaning as strongly as Zulu children, who one day have free access to the breast and the next day have none. Still, most children may have stronger reactions to weaning than their parents care to talk about.

In all but a few of the Zulu children, however, the disturbed behavior ended within a few weeks. In describing their children after weaning, Zulu, American, and other mothers may tend to put out of their minds the stressful period immediately after nursing ends, and focus on their children's later behavior. It is not until a child has resigned herself to the loss of the breast, after all, that she can be considered fully weaned.

Some psychologists believe that no child ever resigns himself entirely to the loss of the breast. This may perhaps be true, since even children who voluntarily wean may be reacting, for instance, to a low milk supply or a sore in the mouth, and they may miss the breast even if they don't show it. In children weaned beyond about the age of three, nursing never leaves even the conscious memory, and as the older child voluntarily gives up nursing he may express ambivalence about doing so.

But as parents we must judge our children's well-being by their immediate behavior. If a child is happy and healthy now, it makes no sense to worry about what she may say on a psychoanalyst's couch thirty years from now.

Our society's lack of shared standards about weaning is both a blessing and a curse. It is a curse in that it forces every mother to make the difficult decision of when and how to wean each child, and the resulting uncertainty she may feel can make weaning more of a struggle than it should be. But this lack of rules is also a blessing, in that it permits a mother to consider her child's needs over society's will. If a child is anxious, clingy, and sad during gradual weaning or soon after the last nursing, the mother can always start nursing again, at least as often as is necessary for her child's comfort.

Whether or not they are willing to postpone complete weaning, most mothers go out of their way to make up for the end of breastfeeding. They may be tempted to use the time no longer spent nursing in activities that exclude the child, but just-weaned children usually demand a lot of attention. After weaning, a mother usually finds herself in a transformed but still demanding relationship with her child. Feeding a baby with bottle, cup, or spoon is hard work, as are the talking, playing, reading, and comforting that a toddler or older child demands. The effort pays off, mothers find, as their weaned children venture into the world, making developmental strides in such areas as walking and talking, and perhaps becoming more independent, outgoing, and responsible. When these things happen, a mother knows her child has put any anger or sadness about weaning behind her; she is truly well weaned.

From Wherever You Go, There You Are,
by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Of course, you are your child's major life teachers as much as they are your teachers, and how you take on this role will make a big difference in their lives as well as in your own. I see parenting as extended but temporary guardianship. When we think of them as "our" children, or "my" children, and start relating to them as our proper possessions to shape and control to satisfy our own needs, we are, I believe, in deep trouble. Like it or not, children are and will always be their own beings; but they need great love and guidance to come to full humanness. A proper guardian or guide needs wisdom and patience in abundance to pass on what is most important to the generation coming along the path. Some - myself included - need almost constant mindfulness in addition to our basic instincts for nurturing and loving and kindness in order to do this job well... Some people who find meditation valuable in their own lives are sorely tempted to teach their children to meditate. This could be a big mistake. To my mind, the best way to impart wisdom, meditation, or anything else to your children, especially when they are young, is to live it yourself, embody what you most want to impart, and keep your mouth shut.

News

From the Community Forum -- I find that the only way my little cutie will take a decent nap is if I hold her the entire time, either in the sling or not. She awakens almost immediately or within 15 minutes if I put her down. She would cry all day if I let her "cry it out" and that's not going to happen! Anyone else hold their baby while they have a nap or have any new ideas?

Does anyone have a recipe for converting milk into baby formula? We are supplementing our breastfed baby with goats milk....

And in response: If you are breastfeeding your baby, why do you need to supplement with anything? Goat's milk is *perfect* - for *baby goats*! I don't know about its digestibility, but there is nothing more perfect for a baby's fragile gastrointestinal system than its own mother's milk. ?????

Also, Check out the survey on various baby carriers - do you have a favorite, or one that was a real dud?

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Fathers of Breastfed Babies-- Information for the invisible one There are thousands of resources available to expectant mothers regarding breastfeeding, but what about the fathers? How are we to know what to expect in this whole deal? And is it okay to tell the guys at work that your wife plans on.... um..... er..... well... feeding the baby. Well, of course feeding. You know. Not the stuff in the bottle, but the stuff from her....uh....yeah.  

Mediate.com-- Mediation Information and Resource Center. Find out more about this option for conflict resolution. MIRC works on Peacebuilding, Consensus Development, Facilitation, Non-Violence and Communications Skills.

Annette Frontz- Gettysburg, PA 
wishes: 
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