Growing All the Time
Information    For    Mindful    Family    Living

The newsletter of Wears The Baby, distributing cool and useful goodies for nurtured children and mindful family life.

Volume 1, Issue 1 Fall/Winter 1998

Inside this issue
Feature Article
– getting it out there
Still Thinking
– book excerpts to consider
Around Town
– local happenings
Papa
– views on fatherhood
Site Seeing
– cool web sites
Buy, Sell & Barter
– goods ‘n’ services

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Children belong out in the world

Children Have a Right to Be Out in the World
By Katie Allison Granju

    I’ll never forget the first time my husband and I took our five week old baby out to dinner with us. As proud new parents, we were excited at the chance to show off our son. As a breastfeeding mother, leaving him behind wasn’t an option. So, we bundled him up in our cloth baby carrier and proudly strolled into the restaurant. The disapproval started with the hostess who seated us (as far away from other people as she could manage) and continued throughout the meal, with one man getting up and leaving the dining room when I began to discreetly nurse the baby. People reacted as if we had brought a five-hundred pound gorilla to the table instead of an eight pound human. Although our son barely made a peep all evening, it was clear that most of the other diners that night didn’t share our belief that children should be included in parents’ outside-the-home activities.
    Since that time, we have frequently encountered wonderment and even annoyance on the part of other adults when we choose to forgo hiring a babysitter and instead bring our now five year old son and one year old daughter with us to many occasions and events. In doing so, we are able to retain a close and loving relationship with the littlest members of our family and share their joy and excitement in discovering what their neighborhood, community and world have to offer. The approbation voiced by others when our children arrive seems to have nothing to do with how the kids behave, since we do not permit them to be loud, rude or disruptive of others’ pleasure. Instead, we have discovered that many people, particularly those whose children are already grown, simply do not approve of any inter-generational contact outside the domain of home and family.
     This view stems from the preceding decades during which children and adults led largely separate lives. Parents went to work and children went to school. When adults went out in the evenings, children were left behind with a sitter. Parents were encouraged to take adults-only vacations to “get a break” from their children whenever possible. The result of this lack of contact was a profound sense of estrangement, embodied in the infamous generation gap. After years spent pursuing largely independent activities, parents and their grown children felt as if they neither knew nor understood one another.
     Among today’s first wave of Generation X mothers and fathers, of which I am a part, there is a growing turn to “attachment-style parenting,” a term coined by popular pediatrician and author Dr. William Sears. Turned off by the alienation that many of us experienced as babysat, latchkey, single-parented kids of the seventies and eighties, my generation is choosing to raise our children differently by attempting to integrate family, professional and social life into one seamless web. My husband and I bring our children with us to the office and restaurants and social functions not because we are permissive parents but because we are fully involved parents. The concept of “quality time,” meaning an hour or two together after a tiring day at work, simply doesn’t cut it with us.
     Additionally, society as a whole benefits when children, adults and the elderly have a chance to really get to know one another in both the private and public spheres. In this age of diversity and multiculturalism, the issue of segregation between the ages has been largely ignored. Imagine the uproar if complaints were raised about allowing disabled individuals or members of a certain ethnic group into restaurants or theaters. Yet, no one seems to bat an eye when self-proclaimed “curmudgeons” loudly protest the presence of children in these places. Numerous sociologists and anthropologists have posited that, despite the material abundance with which we shower them, Americans do not actually like children. With everything from playpens to preschools to summer camps, we begin pushing kids toward autonomy at the earliest age possible, thus freeing parents from the perceived burden of actually spending time with their children. In many other cultures, parents and other adults enjoy children’s company and understand that the only way a young person will learn not to yell in an art gallery is to visit one with a caring adult.
     Objections to children’s presence are also rooted in sexism. The practical effect of exclusion of children is exclusion of women. In this culture, mothers of young children who wish to have a work or social life outside the home are constantly forced to choose between meeting their own needs and those of their children. A truly child-friendly environment would allow women to nurture their children while simultaneously going about the business of being competent, self-actualized and productive adults.
     Although it may make older Americans uncomfortable, children do have a right to be out in the world and their parents have a responsibility to take them there. That being the case, I recommend that the next time you end up seated next to a baby at a restaurant, you tender one of your crackers as a peace offering and take the opportunity to make a new friend.
copyright 1997, 1998 Katie Allison Granju

Still Thinking...
good books

“Generosity”
By Sue Bender, from Everyday Sacred

    I gave a talk to a book club in Oakland. All the members had lost their homes, lost
everything to the terrible Oakland-Berkeley fires of 1991. They lost pictures, momentos,
diplomas, records – all the little and big things that made up their history and the history of their parents and grandparents.
    One of the club members described having given a precious object to a friend. She had treasured the porcelain piece and almost didn’t give it away because she loved it so much. After the fire her friend returned the object.  Another woman told the group she gave away the things she didn’t like and, after the fire, the same things were returned to her.

Papa
views on fatherhood
by Evan Scott

    What is uniquely fathering versus general parenting? I will try and address this topic in this newsletter. In many ways, this topic is tied directly to the question of what is manhood and how might I pass along my manhood to my children. My most comforting vision of this is of Kunta Kinte’s father holding him up to the night sky for all the universe to observe and shouting, “Behold! The only thing greater than yourself!” But, this is not uniquely male, I don’t think, except that most women I have met don’t wish to do something like this.
    It was during the birth of both my children that I had that feeling the strongest, to shout and be heard by something bigger than me. In that moment, I think I felt bigger myself. In certain moments today, I have that urge. If a child accomplishes something for the first time or if one of them chooses me to comfort them.

Site Seeing
sites we like...

Bestfed.com
An Online Resource for Progressive Parenting Issues
We love this site.  Endless information...
 

The Natural Child Project
This site has won many awards, and is full of some wonderful information, including a collection of very challenging articles by Alice Miller.

Jan Brett's Home Page
Jan Brett is the author of a large collection of gorgeous books including Annie and the Wild Animals,  Trouble with Trolls, and The Mitten.  I’m not big on coloring books for children, but this site has a few printable pages of her illustrations for children to color that I can’t resist, and much more.